The Oakley 2025 tour took place this week, with around 20 members making the questionable life choice to head to Sussex for games against Crawley and Seaford – the latter being the former home club of irrepressible tour organiser, Kris Tucknott, who spent the build-up sat on the toilet undergoing a unique weight-loss programme involving a Co-op pizza.
Some players arrived at our Brighton base, the exquisite Travelodge on the seafront, on Tuesday afternoon to discover a sea mist and temperatures akin to October, while the rest of Britain basked in sunshine. Exactly the opposite of the forecast, but about right for our luck.
Crawley: Lowering Expectations Since Forever
The rest of us arrived at our first fixture at Crawley in dribs and drabs. None of us had been before, so we were full of misplaced excitement for a quintessential suburban cricket experience.
Instead, we got what can only be described as a quintessential antichrist. A walk into town under slate-grey skies was followed by a Tesco Express lunch while we waited for the opposition to open a heavily barricaded clubhouse and changing area that looked like it had featured in several Crimewatch reconstructions.
With no access to changing rooms, we got ready on the pitch as two balaclava-wearing motorcyclists sped past, presumably en route to the local skate park where a police van appears to be on permanent loan.
The opposition were pleasant enough but probably not in the “corporate hospitality” industry. Play began in drizzle, with distant lightning for atmosphere, and a friendly XL Bully popping in to say hello. The Oaks got stuck into a team whose batting strategy seemed to be “try to hit everything for six and get it over with”.
Wickets came for Nick Green, Ian Bennett (2), Alex Holman (2), Ollie Rabley, Michael Wood, and Nigel Bishop (2) as Crawley limped to 129 all out. Our chase began in trademark style. Alex Holman and Billy Turner fell for ducks, Brad for a beautifully made 2, and Steve Savage for a stoical 7. Fortunately, Nigel Bishop cracked on with a 51* before Michael Wood (27*), Nicholas Green (21) and Alex Brundle (13*) finished the job.
Fines were dished out for assorted crimes against touring etiquette. Zak Newton took the coveted “Dick of the Day” award after vomiting himself transparent. A masterclass in exceeding your alcohol limits. He retired to bed early, waking only at 10:30 PM to order a Deliveroo kebab from a shop directly opposite the hotel. High-level commitment to minimal movement.
Breakfast Choices and Steve’s Carpool Karaoke
Thursday brought sunshine at last. Half the squad embraced Brighton’s quirky café culture; the other half went to Wetherspoons, presumably for the ‘atmosphere’. George arrived late and scavenged leftovers like a man auditioning for a post-apocalyptic survival show, a skill he attributes to tips from money-saving expert, Martin Lewis.
The journey to Seaford was split between train and car. The car passengers endured 74-year-old Steve’s eclectic playlist. The Mission, Radiohead, Rick Wakeman, and The Monkees, an experience one might describe as “uniquely disorientating”.
Seaford: Cricket by the Sea
Seaford’s ground sits temptingly across the road from the beach. Bob seized the chance for a paddle and an ice cream while our hungover mighty Oaks prepared for battle, some with a beer or two to settle nerves.
Bowling duties were spread across nine bowlers, reducing Seaford to 121-9. Wickets came from Brad (2), Ian Bennett (3), Dan Jones (2), Nigel Bishop (2), and a still fragile-looking Zak Newton (1). Then came their trump card: Max Petrie, son of ex-New Zealand international Richard Petrie, who casually bludgeoned 61 off 35 balls, aided by veteran Ali Batchelor’s 30. From 121 to 218 in about 15 minutes. Thanks for coming.
The chase was classic Oaks. George went for a chaotic hungover 6, Zak for a sick looking 2. Then former Oaks star and now traitorous Ventnor bastard, Josh Carpenter, hit 60 before betraying us by getting caught, letting himself, his family and his former club down. Jack Brundle and Dan Jones followed with pathetic scores of 2 and 0, promising to save runs for the league. Ian Bennett’s 50 gave us hope before he too threw it away as a unique sensation of disappointment and relief engulfed The Oaks camp.
Nick Green (21) and Brad Compton-Bearne provided a late spark before getting out on purpose (obviously) to give Kris the heroic homecoming finish his Crawley planning didn’t deserve. Kris duly fluffed it and we lost by 14 runs. Disgraceful behaviour but at least he didn’t shit himself as many feared and some hoped.
Beer, Bar Banter, and Brighton’s Farewell
We drowned our sorrows in the Seaford bar, demolished what was left of the tea, and shared beers with the opposition as the sun dipped and autumn whispered its arrival. The return train to Brighton was lively, the beers that followed in Brighton slightly less so, as touring took its toll.
Friday morning was all Brighton seafront sunshine and café breakfasts before the slow drift back to reality — and league cricket the very next day. Jaded and sick of the sight of cricket, we may well be there for the taking. But we have to galvanise ourselves and go again as the early season excitement gives way to tired limbs and minds.
Conclusion: You Can’t Beat a Good Tour
A few days of cricket, beer, bad decisions, and a win. We’ve come home slightly poorer, slightly fatter, and definitely no wiser. But that’s the magic of touring — and yes, we’ll all do it again next year. We’re already looking at Bath and Somerset.
On we tour…