Report by Jonathan ‘Do stop it Aggers’ Agnew
The First XI were the victim of a giant killing yesterday after being ambushed by local minnows, Overton, on a quagmire of a pitch. Fair play to the Overton ground staff who did extremely well to make it playable after a Friday deluge that brought much of the local area to a standstill.
Bowling first, Oakley had an up and down day, with some good stuff, but also some loose half trackers that were gratefully gobbled up by the Overton batsmen. There were also too many extras in an Overton total of 125 that The Oaks chair, ever the optimist, thought was a few too many. He’s never wrong, the Oakley chairman, and when he is, he still isn’t.
The Oaks felt they were unlucky not to receive a few LBW shouts that looked good, but as an amateur umpire, you should never give them unless they are stonewall out, so no complaints there; It would be the same scenario for both sides. There was a great sideshow going on too, with the Overton batsmen on the sidelines cheering heartily at miss fields on a muddy outfield. It wouldn’t be cricket without these moments; it really was hilarious stuff that a stand up comic would be proud of.
At the break there was some controversy as the Oakley chair and some supporters were asked to remove their dogs. The Chair gracefully removed his sad looking mutt, but the reluctance of others caused an unnecessary stir. It was like a scene from the BBC comedy series ‘This Country’ which is based on village life (if you haven’t see it, you really must). One found oneself waiting for the Reverend Francis Seaton to come along with Kerry and Kirton in a bid to bring peaceful order to proceedings.
Reverend Seaton with Kerry and Kirton
One had to feel for the Overton players in an awkward situation. They were telling me that they have a landlord who once threw someone out of Overton on a burning cross when they turned up with a pet goldfish won at the local fair, so they have a lot to deal with to avoid eviction; breathing laws were only relaxed two years ago. My dog looks forward to cricket days far more than I do, so it’s a good job I a joined a club where dogs can roam free as long as they don’t do a Richard the Third on the square or grab our balls.
Anyway, this fired up the underdogs (excuse the pun) further, and they bowled full and straight with plenty of vocal backing, particularly from their deranged wicket-keeper, who was like a squealing cat in a padded cell after a night on industrial grade acid. What is it about the weird world wicket keepers live in when they enter the field of play? Often normal, nice people in real life, the moment they go onto a cricket pitch, they appear to have a lust for having a bat rammed up their anal passage. It would make a great David Attenborough documentary. “The wicket keeper…subdued and non descriptive off the field…but on it…a mysterious creature, perpetually toying with the threat of violence”.
James Bayliss apart, The Oaks didn’t stand up to the pressure well and a plethora of LBW decisions came along. They must have been stonewalled LBW’s otherwise the umpire wouldn’t have given them; because if you are an amateur umpire, you only give them when they are nailed on. So, as I said earlier, no complaints. There were a few minor cameos with the bat that offered hope for The Oaks, but Ian Bennett’s calamitous stumping summed up a poor batting performance on a troublesome pitch. Ultimately, Overton were more up for it than Oakley. This was their cup final, and they rose to the occasion, creating pressure when it counted, bowling full and straight.
So, as the quite brilliant Overton headline, ‘Oakley Step on Land Mine and Blow Up Their Open Top Bus’, so succinctly described, The Oaks were beaten by four LBW’s to one. We move on, with a runners up, open top bus tour, still up for grabs. If not, there is still a third or fourth place open top bus tour. I’ll be honest with you now, there never was going to be a bus tour, but I won’t let the truth get in the way of a good story and nor will the quite brilliant Overton reporter.
Up The Oaks.