The Great Washout:
Let’s take a nostalgic paddle back through last weekend’s soggy spectacle.
At The Theatre of Scenes, the First XI heroically chose the one match destined to be rained off to finally look like a functioning batting unit. Michael Wood (28*) and Will Cheyney (23*) were cruising, confidence was rising, but clouds were forming like an nuclear-level threat. Just as the innings started to fizz, the heavens opened and said, “Nope, you can stay winless.”
Meanwhile, the Second XI were counting their blessings – not because they played well, but because they didn’t have to go to Picket Twenty. A venue only marginally less appealing than the ninth circle of Hell, complete with an astro pitch, exposure to all weather systems, and no discernible charm. The cancellation was met with the sort of joy typically reserved for unexpected bank holidays.
And then there were the Thirds. Ah, the Thirds. Off they trundled to Long Sutton, a place so atmospheric one of their players described it as “a meteorological vortex where it never rains.” So naturally, it rained. 37.5 overs of damp enthusiasm later, the match was called off just as Odiham were threatening to post a score that would have made a horrible and unlikely chase. But hey, we got a good tea out of it – consumed shoulder to shoulder in a pavilion with good chaps in the type of airflow that 5 years ago would have been brutally described as an idiotic super spreader event. This was just idiotic but in this instance, the rain probably saved us.
This Weekend’s Glorious Optimism
Now, on to this weekend, where we attempt to cobble together three cricket teams from the remaining bits of tendon and ambition scattered across Oakley and beyond.
First XI: Stitched Up and Strapped In
The Firsts host Alton III – a team who’ve also been having a less-than-vintage season. Perfect time for us to strike with our strongest XI, yes?
Of course not.
Injuries, unavailability and mysterious disappearances mean Michael Wood, Will Cheyney, and Stef “Wicket Machine” Kaltner are all out. Honestly, the selection process is starting to look more like a Netflix series called Casualty in the Bermuda Triangle.
Still, all is not lost. Mike Tiley and Harry Tucknott have been scoring runs like proper cricketers do, Paddy Saines is being his stoic self, and Greg Spires is back from… somewhere? A spa retreat at Charlton Athletic? Doesn’t matter – he’s here. Then there’s Nigel ‘I’ll be out for the season” Bishop who, it should be remembered, has three more Oakley tons than the rest of team put together. Can he give the ball the same sort of special treatment he has exacted on my lawn?
Alex ‘Binary’ Brundle opens the bat, presumably after being the last man standing in a cricketing version of Mary Celeste when DJ said, “Anyone fancy being a sacrificial lamb?” Someone has to do it, so you have to admire him. I wouldn’t put it past AB doing something special against the odds. He’s that type of bloke.
The bowling looks improvised, with the ferocious unguided missiles of Alex Rogan leading the charge, hopefully supported by the somewhat patchwork quilt of Harry Tucknott, Dave Bowers, Sharan Hugar, AB, DJ, and anyone else who brought some kit. It’s chaotic. It’s unstable. It’s… kind of exciting? It could even be one of those great afternoons that go down in Oakley folklore for days to come.
Second XI: The Rusty Blades
No Ian Bennett this week – he’s off celebrating new fatherhood. Congrats Ian! Your boy already has better availability than half the Oakley squad. Can he open next week?
So, ex-skipper George Lethaby is back at the helm, with Kris Tucknott as his trusty sidekick. Their mission? Take a patched-up side to the windswept splendour of Augusta Park, Andover. It’s the sort of place that makes you wonder if an Air B&B weekend at Jaywick on Sea might be more appealing.
The batting? Let’s just say the top order is not so much battle-hardened as hibernation-hardened. Chris Morris and Tom Hartgill are making seasonal debuts, whilst George Lethaby hasn’t picked up a bat for three weeks. Much will depend on Kris, who is, at least, dependable, the youthful Joby Beatty and the keen eye of Dave Parry. If any hope of victory falls on a tail-end featuring tail enders Bob Lethaby and Deano James, well…there is no hope. No pressure on the top and middle order, then.
The bowling attack relies heavily on the youthful exuberance of Joby Beatty, Zak Newton, and Will McCarthy, with experience (and ice packs) provided by Ollie Rabley and Bob Lethaby, who both continue to take wickets despite a combined age of 117. George will probably end up bowling too – not by choice, just by necessity and the need to roll back to a time when he took a lot of wickets.
Who knows what will happen but there is no doubt something heroic will need to be on the menu against a strong team on a shite pitch.
Third XI: Accidentally Brilliant
In a bizarre twist of fate, the Thirds have become the most stable, talented team in the club right now. While the Firsts resemble a medical emergency and the Seconds are mostly ghosts of seasons past, the Thirds are thriving. Some say it’s all down to skipper, Dan Beckell and his captaining style that would make Mike Brearley blush with ineptitude. Others might not.
Whatever the case they are in buoyant mood and ready to face Ropley II at Newfound – and frankly, they’re looking stacked with lower league ability. Dan, Noah, Tom and Savage are all in the runs, and even Jeff Triner – bless him – is due a big knock after an unusually patchy start to the campaign. This is the one Jeff T. I feel it, I see it, I hear it, I’m going to ruddy well love it.
Lil (Simz) and Prashant impressed last week, young (ish) Jack Cousens showed promise in the nets, and with the Bird boys flying in formation, the bowling attack is more than handy. So well equipped are they, in fact, that Dan dropped Bob Lethaby to the 2s (you get dropped upwards at Oakley, that’s how we roll). Dan might even avoid having to bribe Jeff with a post match beer just to get him to tighten up his knee pads and have a bowl bowl.
So here we are again – bags packed, dreams intact, ligaments mostly functional – heading into another weekend of reasonable weather, erratic selections and unlikely heroics.
On we travel…even if it means Augusta Park.