Hartley Wintney v Oakley
Match Report
Do we really need a match report?
A full on analytical view of how the day panned out…
A ball by ball breakdown of what happened…
For a change let’s just read what thoughts may or may not go through a cricketers mind…
So here we go.
12:00
Jeez it’s bleeding hot already, hopefully the skipper will take mercy on us all and say we don’t have to warm up this week.
12:01
Boll**ks. We’re doing a full warm up in the midday sun. I need to start thinking of some imaginary excuses as why I have to arrive late next week.
12:40
I swear to God the skipper better damn well win the toss. I’m knackered already and could do without fielding for the first innings.
12:45
Typical. I bloody knew it. Fielding first.
12:50
Why are cricket changing rooms so small. I swear one of my team mates brushed up against me on purpose. Get me out of here.
13:00
If I field on the boundary until drinks there’s a chance this oak tree will offer a bit of shade by then.
13:05
That ball just sailed straight over my head, and straight over the clubhouse. Look at the batsman being smugly pleased with his shot. I hope it landed on your car you turd.
13:10
The opening bowlers aren’t doing too bad today. I mean. For how old they both look they’re both doing well to still be mobile.
13:15
I know the skipper is gonna take credit for that first wicket because he moved the field.
13:30
There’s a hell of a lot of people watching us today. I guess there’s not much else to do round here. One or two are enjoying an afternoon tipple.
13:45
I reckon the girl laying down behind mid-on is probably quite fit. I need to manufacture a way of fielding nearer to her.
14:00
It must be happy hour in the clubhouse. Every fu**er seems to be drinking.
14:00
The skippers bestie just dropped a catch. I reckon that won’t get a mention.
14:30
Nice ground. Nice village. Lovely clubhouse. S**t mid-innings squash.
14:45
I reckon our bowler is gonna kill someone with that sort of pace. I don’t see anything wrong with the slow and steady approach personally.
14:48
If another spectator asks me if I want a beer I may just take them up on the offer.
14:50
Our deep mid-wicket is sporting a fantastic moustache. I wonder if he waxes it, or if it gets itchy, or if it has food trapped in it.
14:55
Oh my God! I’m going to the other end of the ground to field. The fit girl is still laying down over there.
14:57
She looked better from the other end of the ground.
15:15
Finally made it to the second drinks break. On reflection the first round of squash wasn’t that bad after all.
15:20
We are right in this game. Fielding well. Taken wickets. I think we’re in with a shout of winning.
15:25
Why can’t wicket keepers get their own fu**ing helmet at the end of every other over. My feet are killing me.
15:45
My chees and pickle sandwiches are in the changing room. They’re probably shrivelled up or drenched in their own sweat.
15:55
One more wicket. Come on lads let’s get this done now.
16:00
Yes!!! We’ve bowled them all out with four overs to spare. I feel like we’ve done a cracking job. What was the total? 217. I reckon we can chase that.
16:01
Where’s the pot of tea?
16:02
Where’s the pot of tea??
16:03
Where’s the pot of tea???
16:04
What sort of host tell you that you have to make your own cup of tea? FFS!
16:05
This is an absolute liberty. There’s no fu**ing milk. I knew I should’ve took up the spectator’s offer of a beer.
16:15
Here we go. Opening batsmen are taking to the field. I’ve managed to avoid going out as square leg umpire or doing the scoring. Time to sit back and relax.
16:20
We’re looking pretty steady today. I wonder if our opening batsmen’s chilli con carne is actually gonna be any good this evening.
16:21
First wicket down. Bugger. I think it’s wise not to ask him about his chilli con carne until he’s had a bit of time to cool down.
16:50
Would I rather be able to bowl like my skipper or bat like my skipper? Sh*t he’s just got out. I’ll block out that thought.
16:55
Some blokes just have it all. Working in the open air all day. Good looks. Good bowler. Going well with the bat. I wonder if he can sing.
17:15
This game is still there for the win. We’ve got some solid batsmen still waiting for their chance to score runs. Hopefully none of the rest of us will be needed today.
17:30
Make mid-innings drinks for the home team. I’ll show them how squash should be made. No wonder it tasted like p**s it’s not even double concentrated. Let’s add three times the required amount.
17:35
Cheeky fu**ers. Make your own drinks next time then. What’s wrong with it having a bit of a kick. Tasted fine to me.
17:40
F**k ‘em. I’m making the next lot of drinks even stronger.
18:00
We really need a few of our batsmen to hang around a bit otherwise we won’t need a second drinks break.
18:05
Just one batsman to hang around would be nice.
18:10
Bugger the skipper has told me to do square leg umpire until the next wicket falls.
18:15
Why does the umpire need to confirm after every four balls that there’s two to come? Can he not count himself?
18:20
God that’s another wicket down. On a plus’s point the skipper is coming out to take over square leg duties. I hope he can count to four otherwise the umpire won’t know what the hell is going on.
18:30
There must be at least a hundred people here watching today. I’m fully padded up and getting in the zone. Why has this old woman with a zimmer frame specifically asked me to help her down the step out of the clubhouse? Jeez! Ask someone else for help I’ve not even had a cup of tea all afternoon.
18:45
It’s taken that old woman 15 minutes to shuffle her way from long stop to fine leg. And I thought I was slow in the field.
19:00
Here we go. Clusters Last Stand. My time to shine. OK so the game seems to have slipped away from us but there could be another batting point to pick up.
19:05
Why the hell are they bringing their opening bowlers back on?
I’m a No11 batsman FFS.
19:10
Bloody hell that’s a bit nippy. I see why the other batsmen didn’t do too well.
19:15
I reckon my teammates are all really proud of me for being out here for so long. I must be on at least 20 or 30 by now. Oh. Only 3. Seemed like more. Head down. A couple more runs for a batting point.
19:20
Batting point secured. Opening bowlers bowled out. I reckon I can get a few more runs under my belt before the game is finished.
19:21
Bugger. That was the best ball of the day. It must have been. I felt certain it nipped in. Ah well.
19:25
Good game Hartley Wintney I’m really pleased for you and hope you enjoy your victory. Crap squash though.
19:25
I wonder if their opening batsman has checked his car window yet?
19:30
Right, let’s go and have a curry and a sing song.
There we go.
That’s what goes through a cricketers mind…
Look, it’s been a tough season so far for the first XI, but it’s not for want of trying.
There’s not a single player who hasn’t got passion about winning.
There’s not a single player who doesn’t want to stop the rot and turn things around.
It’s hard at the moment but we’re trying.
The team spirit is still there and a win is surely just around the corner.
There’s been some good batting performances so far this season.
Some quality bowling and plenty of committed fielding.
Let’s get all these components firing together next week and give it to our noisy neighbours from down the B3400.